Failure Notice...
This has been a black month. Or two. Or three...
With all my flailing, my career (pick one) has failed me sofar.
Screenwriting: Landed an agent this year, finished a fun script, had him love it, had him run with it after 20 pages of art for gratis and... (insert sound of someone coughing in the distance as the curtain pulleys squeak, squeak, squeak...)
Illustration: Zip.
Art: Nada.
Sofar I feel like I’ve been screaming on a hillside until I can taste the blood in my mouth and getting... silence.
I feel like the world considers me unneeded, discarded, useless.
After searching WORLDWIDE for a gig in ANYTHING, I’ve been met with somewhat distant, polite applause and... nothing.
After meeting with locals I’m met with... nothing.
After connecting with other writers who need scripts for other projects, I’m hearing...
And it compounds. I’ve failed as a husband, as a friend, as a brother, as a son...
I’ve failed on a thousand fronts.
I’ve failed as an adult.
I’ve failed as an artist, a writer, a whatever...
I’ve failed as a child.
I’ve failed as a human being.
I’ve failed as...
I’ve failed...
Failed...
Fail...
There’s a wall between me and the rest of the world, something spongy and transparent. I see others walking through it, going on with their lives, having kids, having careers. I know it looks effortless to me and I know it isn’t, but I can’t do it..
I can’t break through it. I can’t connect with the world.
And I’m having such a bleak view of everything.
There’s that door that I almost went through years ago.
It’s gotten so close some days I can see the grain in the wood.
And I can hear it just calling to me.
“Through me, there’s no pain, no noise, no expectations, just silence and that other place you saw all those years ago. Peace. Twilight fields. Love and acceptance. Remember that, remember that...”
And I’m trying to collect scraps, reasons to stay. Talismans. Touchstones. Chits, bits, bytes and notes.
The blue of Irene’s eyes.
Her kiss on my forehead.
Bacon.
Venice.
Ink on white paper.
Pasta.
A warm cat.
Another possibility of... something...
